negative is me part 1

They say when u believe in something, just do it. but what if we want to do things that we dont believe in it? that's what i call risk. everything that we do are surrounded by risk. decisions made based on facts infact can also be wrong. its like no perfect answer for any perfect question. everyone has their own dream. when they achieved something, they would say its just a matter of hard work,make believe in it and everything will come your way. but what if they fail??what if they have work so hard and yet they fall?what should we label that as? i am sick and tired when everyone is focusing more on achievers but not failures. why don't we have books on reasons why they fail to make it??so that at least we can understand better...hmm.. instead of reading the same story of different successful people which i personally think that the content in most of the books are all bullshit. believe it or not, they must have hide something crucial behind those curtains. but its ok, they are lucky to have what others don't. one thing for sure, life has its own agenda. u can't predict but plan. if you can't plan.just pray.

0% of 100% ME

im tired!! seriously, sadly to say that until today i am yet to find that one thing that im good at. he loves me and told me not to worry because i have a good heart. but where does good heart goes?can it give you happiness? i always envy people who are talented and really good at what they do best. well, im proud to say that i can do a lot of things..just that im not good at anything. depressing isnt it?? he told me that i have no confidence in me. but how can i be confident when i know i can't do anything right..far from being perfect! eg. i do can sing, but its better when i keep silence, i can write, but its a junk of my own, i can draw but not colouring, i can run but only for a few laps, i can write lyrics, but without a melody.......

suddenly i realize something...i am good at messing with things. well at least for now. i always wanted to be that someone. its just that i am not quite sure what that someone is all about....

i have a dream and my dream is in my dream only.

i found my little bee book....

based on true feelings.

-page 1-

i'm sorry i didn't mean to call you
but i couldn't fight it
i guess i was weak
couldnt even hide it
and i surrendered just to hear your voice

-from a song called vida-

-page 2-

i'm just trying to find
a decent melody
a song that i sing
in my own company

-page 3-

we don't even talk anymore
we don't even know what we argue about
don't even say i love you no more
cause saying how we feel is no longer allowed

-water runs dry by boyz 2 men-

-page 4-

" Sometimes the hardest things to let go are the things you never really had "

' I sit there and think of a million reasons of why to get over you. I can think of so many, but the number one reason is because i know we're just friends, and that's all we'll ever be. But i guess a small part of me still holds onto a little bit of hope , that one day, just maybe, we could be more....

-page 5-

You hurt me more than i deserve,
how can you be so cruel??
i love you more than you deserve,
Why am i such a fool??

' if i knew today would be our last tomorrow, then i would have made sure you knew i loved you yesterday '

-page 6-

Today i'll give it one last try, and then i'll wonder why...i did it to myself once again
-good charlotte-

I'm worst at what i do best
-smells like teen spirit-

Because he knows the worst thing about me, and its okay..
-meet joe black-

myself by myself

1st day raya : photographer : web cam companion.

Thank god its not HALLOWEEN!!

Just got back from watching the most horrible movie ever ever been produced!!!

Halloween is about a psychopath killing people...and that's about it. adala dlm puluh2 orang mati dlm cite nie...and oh ya. he died at the end of the story. ..seriously, i have no idea at all what is the motive of the whole thing. what was in the director's mind when he decided on this project. rob zombie must be a psychopath himself to make such a lame movie like halloween..it should not be on the big screen pun!! on tv pun belum tentu orang nak tengok!ishkk!!!

rugi rugi!! thot black water was ntah apa-apa...but now i changed my mind. its ok compared to halloween!!

10 things i love + 3 wishes

2008-8years=2000

8 years ago..when i was really upset with myself.

11/07/2000

-confused-

to say that i'm blind
i don't think so...
to say that i'm stupid
maybe its true...
but to say that i'm hopeless
that's a question
because even myself
don't know the answer...

-loser-

sitting on a chair..
holding a ciggarate..
am i a loser to be me?
or am i just me..
the same ol' loser...

sleepless in glenmarie

my nights are so long
i think i need sleeping pills
oh no they say
it might harm u
really? how bad?
i think i can handle it
i need to sleep
i need my dreams
because its the only place
where my wishes fulfilled..

my 1st assignment, years ago.

the melody that i still kept safe with me...
and also the very bad lyrics...

unfinished business by us:

Tak pernah engkau menyoal cintaku
Dalam diam ku terluka
Dalam diam ku tersiksa
Sebelum kau melupakan aku
Kau seharusnya tahu
Aku cinta kamu...

Tak pernah ku melafazkan cintaku
Dalam dia kau terluka
Dalam diam kau tersiksa
Sebelum ku melepaskanmu
Ku juga ingin tahu
Adakah kau cinta ku....

Pernah kau terfikir beginilah jadinya...
Cinta tak terucap, terkubur jua akhirnya...

A very true conversation which we always hid in our hearts and never let it out.....

If you see me walking the road with someone else
It's not because I like his company
It's because you're not brave enough to walk beside me
If you hear me talking about him all the time
It's not because he pleases me
It's because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
It's not because I love him
It's because you're not there to catch me fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk with him
It's you I want to walk with
Don't let me talk of him
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for him
It's you I want to fall in love with.

"The Answer"

When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our friendship
When you thought I wasn't there to catch you
It was because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for someone else
It's you I want to fall in love with.

confession of a Liar

Aku,dia dan waktu

Mengapa waktu tidak berhenti
Tidak pula ia bergerak laju
Mengapa tidak seperti yang ku mahu
Tidak seperti yang dia harapkan
Kenapa pula ia seperti tidak cukup
Sentiasa pendek dan cepat berlalu
Sungguhpun begitu ia terlalu berharga
Untuk ku lanjutkan tidak ku terdaya
Hati ini tetap kuat mengharunginya
Tetap berharap dia memahaminya
Mengapa waktu harus ada pemisah
Waktu berjauhan tak dapat bersama
Waktu ku dan dia rindu tak dapat bertemu
Waktu ku bermimpi dia tiada di sisi
Waktu dia memerlukan ku tiada di dakapan
Waktu dia dan aku seperti harus memilih
Antara realiti dan fantasi
Antara benar dan tidak
Antara cinta dan benci
Andai waktu tiada untuk aku dan dia
Tiada akan tercipta dia untuk aku

nine in the middle

08.09.08

Nice date. My parents are off to Kedah today. But they will be back after berbuka. That means I have to cook! Luckily it’s only for me and my maid. Did I just mention I have to cook for my maid? Well, sad but so true, my maid doesn’t know how to cook!! I decided to cook a very simple dish, nasi goreng kampung and ayam goreng. Yummy!! Not that bad I must say. Should I be a chef after this and open a restaurant?? Ha-ha. Get real girl. Oh yeah, last night I was with my girls. We had fun berbuka at Red box Sogo and shopping in Jalan TAR (damn that sarimut is still ringing in my ear!). Oh I missed them so much…I think I will never have anymore good friends after this. They are my limited ones, which I really trust. I believe as we grow older, we have fewer friends. The only remains are the good ones that we found along the way. Hmm…Im blank. Oh wait; I watched a program about cheerleader’s investigation on E! just now. A mother’s quote from that program really hit me. She always tells her daughter that we only live once. So, go for it and do the best in what you think you are good at. We don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, thus we cannot live in a What If situation all the time… I agreed with her because ive been in the ‘what if’ valley everyday before this, I can’t take it anymore. The only way I avoided it, is to believe in myself and just do it. It’s like now or never. Some may say im blunt, but it satisfies me and I don’t have to go through another day thinking of the same old shit… Despite of that, I yet to find my happiness. I hope I can find real happiness after this. I had enough jokes in my life and I don’t think it’s funny anymore. Oh so depressing!! I know!!…reminds me of my BFF. Excuse us. :)